USS Iowa Annoying In Laws coming over? Politicians at the door? Annoying neighbors having a house party?

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??

Dial 1-555-kick-arse, and our friendly and helpful staff of US Navy Sailors and Officers aboard the USS Iowa will be glad to help.
The 9x16"/50 calibur main guns of this fearsome dreadnaught are at your disposal day or night.